TMNT: The New Reboot Review

Front: Michelangelo, Leonardo; Back: Raphael, Donatello in the best scene of the whole film.

Warning: Spoilers

On the heels of a sequel announcement the popularity of the reboot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) is no surprise.  After years of Marvel dominating the box office with their slew of superheroes, moviegoers have been craving something different.  Mutant turtles are very different; they are 65 million dollars domestically different. The Ninja turtles are remnants of childhood memories for many older generations, and a fresh reminder of the 90’s for the newly discovered.  I am one of those 90’s kids that grew up on the ninja turtles so for me this was like revisiting my childhood, and so I had high hopes, but not high expectations that it would fulfill the glory days of the old TMNT.  It wasn’t everything I wanted, but with that in mind I still enjoyed the distinct characterization of the four teenage mutant bro dudes; Leonardo (blue mask) the authoritative boss, Michelangelo (orange mask) the free spirited punster, Raphael (red mask) the sarcastic bad boy, and Donatello (purple mask) the tech savvy genius.   

But unlike the 90’s version where the turtles were live action skater punks that shouted cowabunga at everything, these CGI mutants were just that, mutant.  Their appearance is more like low riding souped up Cadillacs on steroids.  Taller than the originals, the new version of the beloved franchise makes the teenagers look like a quartet of hyper-masculine surfer dudes you’d see pumping iron in Venice beach.   The hardcore “brah-mance” is this generation’s re-imagined definition of adolescent machismo, but their incessant juvenile behavior is expected since they are teenagers, and like most teenage males they favor more brawn than brains – unless you’re Donatello, but even he is drawn up as a rough riding bouncer than the typical “nerd.”  Yet, the troupe is gleefully entertaining. 

In contrast to the callow virility, the chance to recreate April O’Neil as a badass heroine in her own right fell short to disappointing.   Despite being an integral part of the storyline – the turtles Hogosha (guardian) – April is consistently dismissed as she attempts to transform herself into a serious journalist.  Any attempts to speak on a subject matter that is beyond the superficial her coworkers make fun of her.  Her boss, Bernadette (Whoopi Goldberg) does the same, and in the course of proving herself, April frequently encounters characters that reduce her to a sexual pun. 

“I can feel my shell tightening,” says Michelangelo upon first meeting April, which is an obvious euphemism for someone’s dick getting hard.  Through the course of the film, Michelangelo constantly hits on April and calls “dibs” on her as if she were to be a prize between the four souped up turtle bros.  The construction of April’s character as a badass is made worse when Michelangelo says “my girlfriend is totes the hogosha.” She is immediately imprinted as the “girlfriend” and her roles as the guardian becomes nothing more than a cursory mention.  This causes her significance to dwindle as she remains silent on the matter.  The reason why this is worse is because later on when Vernon (Will Arnett) April’s cameraman joins in he makes several comments that keep reducing her further to nothing more than an empty plot device. 

First, he consistently makes comments about her beauty, “nothing like dropping off a pretty girl at a rich guy’s house,” in which April is simply seen as a shallow plastron, but when the truth is finally revealed that there are in fact mutant turtle vigilantes, he echoes, again, what everyone thought, “I still can’t believe you’re not crazy.  How crazy is that?”  It’s as if film writers are confessing to us that their vision of women in film is simply to write them as mere crazy sexbots that will satisfy horny teenage boys (seemingly the only target audience these days).  It feels unfathomable for male writers to accept that women in film can be constructed to have more agency as a character.  April’s word cannot be taken seriously unless it is validated by a male character – in this case Vernon the terribly misguided schmuck. 

He then further perpetuates this fedora wearing douchebag persona by implying she is a “complicated chick” when Michelangelo once again openly and discomfortingly hits on her.  What exactly is the implication?  That should there be competition between two male characters – one very much a nonhuman – something must be wrong with April?  Why does she never correct them or call them out; would this make her too much of a “strong character?” It’s as if the responsibility of being a grown ass adult male is shifted to the female protagonist where her silence is written to condone this unfledged behavior.   

Because the complexity of female characters is too much to understand for male writers they must reduce them to something more “manageable.”  This is exemplified perfectly in a gratuitous shot of April’s behind during a chase scene.  It’s not actually funny to anyone but immature writers that a man sexualizes a female coworker while they nearly avert death in a snowy mountain while being chased by a gang of villains.  Now, I understand that many of the jokes were supposed to be funny, but there were too many at the expense of April, which sadly ruins the joy of reliving TMNT.

But let’s talk main plot; unoriginal, the story is as old as human existence; money.  Everything is about money.  By taking Power and control via poisoning New York City it will allow for the commodification of an antidote.  However, to make the antidote Eric Sacks (William Fitchner) and the foot clan require the blood of the ninja turtles.  “We will be gods” Sacks says.  A translucent statement of what a patriarchal society looks like, of what men in this world are supposed to look like.  Coveting a place in the world, men colonize the environment around them.  It’s a very toxic behavior, but it is socialized as normal for men.   99% of films always have this theme, and I can’t say I am surprised, yet I will say, however glossy the work of cinematic art is, using this tired narrative tends to do a disservice for popular franchises. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles isn’t a film meant to comment on social issues in today’s world, but it is a film for the everyday filmgoer that is looking to turn off their brain for an hour or so and simply enjoy a fun ride.  I enjoyed it for what it was and so will you.